~intoxicated heart~

Last nite it rained, heavily with that scary whistling sound of the wind..That is one of the things that terrify me…especially at nite. Suddenly I got this sms

“Kan best kalau ada org yg berani dcc. Kalau dok umah sorg ada yg temankan.kan.kan.”

To which I replied “Yeah mmg besh but maybe she’s not meant to be held & cared for kut”

Reply came “Ye plg kurang ada yg masih setia menanti”

And I said “Does she even deserve him at all?”

And he said “A lot.”

~~~ This entry is an ode to Lisa

Lisa….I love my Lisa…I am so in love with my Lisa….She was with me when I started living in this crap of a city that I now call home. She was with me when I first started everything…

I bought Lisa sumtime almost 4 years ago from her previous owner. From then on, it is me & Lisa. Many, many memories I had shared with Lisa, sum good sum bad sum great….I bathe her, I feed her, I took care of her, brought her to the doctors..I paid for Lisa with my own money…not from my dad,mom, sis….

Even this one ex took great care of her (eventho his car is much more hebat compared to my Lisa). Brought her to his doctor, all the way back to his kampung & help change the wear & tear without asking for repayment & letting me use his H.onda C.ivic without any doubt, eventhough truth be told, I can trash his car at any given time haha.. bergaya aku sebulan lebih ke dua bulan….I owed him that.

Everywhere I went, it will always be with Lisa…Batu Pahat, Melaka, Penang, Seremban, Ipoh, Cameron Highland, Kelantan, Hulu Langat, Gombak….to concerts, to the cities, to the kampungs, to have fun, all the tears….I had shared them with Lisa….exes, scandals, new boyfie…Lisa has seen it all…

How had Lisa helped them too….to the train stations, to the concerts, to the gym, to work, when his car rosak, when his car was being used, to ferry friends of his, to his classes at different places, waiting….just name it…what Lisa had not done for them. To & fro…To & fro…..

Lisa got sick a couple of months back….I was devastated..my Lisa…my beloved Lisa…One Who Promised to take care of my Lisa didn’t fulfill them at first…too busy I guess….Lisa got in & out of clinics…undergone major operations & nearly bankrupting me near death….I got one kindred soul who willingly offered & agreed to fetch me to work everyday when One Who Promised wasn’t there for me. I call him a kindred soul coz I had nvr helped him in any way before this yet he was more than willing to help me 1^st.

He tried to help with Lisa (by asking another fren’s help) but who knows that that doctor doesn’t know how to treat her..He only knows how to treat H.onda (haha!how ironic)…Anyway, that kindred soul was feeling guilty especially when OWP went & sorta scold him coz the doctor wasn’t any good… but kindred soul tried to help. That’s the most important thing.

Anyway, OWP did fulfill his promise to bring Lisa to his doctor….I had to part with Lisa for 2 weeks…there are days I didn’t went to work coz there’s no one to fetch me & there’s also time where I took a cab to work..If I don’t go to work, how lah kan to pay for Lisa’s operations…OWP did helped too but then again, Lisa had helped him before, over & over & over again.Lisa didnt mind it…Lisa was back finally eventhough she still carries scars from the operations….

Friends, cousies all had ridden in Lisa before…Lisa also had helped them in sum ways…..

Lisa, OWP did promise not to forget you but he did anyway…..I’m so sorry Lisa. It is easy to be forgotten when some sleek brand new model (my ass!!) is being played in front of the eyes…All packaging fluff, don’t worry baby…And Lisa, I will never forget you…you were there for me all the way, all the time….

Orang kata, jangan lupa bumi yang kita pijak….

Lisa…Lisa…Lisa…this is a tribute to you my love……

I’m in Penang. I drove back home all the way last nite after work. I cried & I cried & I cried.

and I still ask why & why….

Susah aku nak paham sebenarnya…How can a person live everyday knowing dia tgh wrecking another person’s heart? Isn’t that cruel??

Yes, mungkin org tu tgh rasa besh pasal diri dia, maybe sbb dia rasa diri dah lawa skang dan bergaya, n dia boleh dpt lebey lagi sbb org dah pandang skang, tp macammana pulak rasanya when u know org2 tu sume nak dekat kau sbb muka dan harta saja? tu ke name die true love?? n org tu rasa, dia maybe dpt pupuk perasaan cinta dr org2 yg pandang dia sbb rupa tu, tapi ~haihhh

dan, kepada org yg katenye tau dia dah ada sumone else tetapi masih nak meneruskan jugak eventho dah kate sori2 berkati2, maybe sbb ko rase tercabar kut sbb tu ko nak teruskan kan…tp maybe gakle ko pon dah jatuh cinta, macammana ko idup hari2 tau ko tgh merosakkan org lain? macammane boleh jadi hati kering? ko tak takut ke satu hari bile u least expected, nnt jadi kat ko pulak? maybe ko rase takkan kut sbb ko pandai bermain kata dan mengaburi perasaan org, tapi ~haihh

dan, macammana pulak org yg tolong cucuk pulak lagi kedua2 manusia di atas nie? macammana ko idup hari2 dgn mengetahui bahaya ko la yg paling jahat sekali sebenarnya? sbb ko tlg melingkupkan perasaan org lain? maybe ko tgh bahagia skang dgn pasangan ko dan ko tolong sapot kwn ko yg tgh rasa syok tak hengat, tapi kalo pasangan ko buat kat ko balik satu hari nnt, macammana?? dptkah ko terima dgn keadaan dgn hati terbuka dan perasan nak cucuk org seperti yg skang? boleh ko kate "ah…biarla kalo dia nak yg lain, mmg aku burok pon"…dapat ke ko ckp macamtu kalo ko sgt syg kepada pasangan ko? dptkah ko terima bila dia tipu ko over & over again pasal sebuk nak berbahagia dgn org lain?dan bila pulak ko dpt tau, ade plak rupenye org menyucuk pasangan ko supaya blah tgglkan ko? tapi ~haihh

macammana satu perempuan dapat hidup dgn mengetahui dia tgh menghancurkan satu perasaan perempuan lain?? tambahan jika perempuan itu merasakan dia adalah baik dan berpura2 baik??

macammana ko idup setiap hari mengetahui ni semua?

tolong la bitau kat aku, bila aku buat salah dgn korg semua??

aku rindu pada perut aku, aku rindu pada batu dan bata aku….

there’a guy who told me…Your mother is so beautiful…I was so surprised when I see her at your house. She is even prettier then her daughters.

Ok.So I told my mom.

& ony today that she said to me..to her that is an insult, eventho it is meant to be a compliment.

Since the guy was having a relationship with her daughter, hence it is not an appropriate thing to say, my mom says, he can say it in another way..

My mom asked me to tell the guy, there are difference between telling the truth, rude & insults..a very very fine line between those three…

Mom says, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder…if he really is into me, he shdnt have said that in the first place…

Shd we go for the ones who always think we are beautiful, even if we dont really hv feelings for them? Coz sum says, what he thot of us is really important..& how he accepts us as we are…with our flaws.

I dont really believe any guy who says I’m pretty, coz I know I’m not. I’d think they have another motive by saying that.

But I’m glad, eventhough I’m ugly, I do have a brain.and having a brain is the most blessed thing in the world. I dont really fit to be a bimbo anyway…I think too much..and I care about people too much..

Imagine if I’m ugly & dumb.

What wld have happened to me then? Malang la idup aku kan…

sbb kalo takdak otak, muka pun taleh nak jual nak carik jantan nak tolong bela…how lah…unless muka cantik so you can go for anybody pun…especially when you supposedly ada that "AURA" to attract men. and oh, if u hv family’s inheritance to buy love too.

AURA bloodyhell.

Dont mess with me. I have a brain.

"I’ve been down so low,
people look at me and they know.
They can tell something is wrong,
like I don’t belong.
Well, staring through a window, standing outside
They’re just too happy to care tonight.
Wanna be like them,
but I’ll mess it up again.
I tripped my way in, got kicked outside
And everybody saw.

And I know that it’s a wonderful world,
but I can’t feel it right now.
Well I thought that I was doing well,
but I just wanna cry now.
Well I know that it’s a wonderful world,
from the sky down to the sea.
I can only see it when you’re here,
here with me.

Sometimes I feel so full of love,
it just comes spilling out.
It’s uncomfortable to see,
I get away so easily.
But if I had someone, I would do anything
Never never never let you feel alone.
I won’t, I won’t leave you on your own.

Who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools,
They let you down."

Almost 2 years ago, a drunken cheat wrote this to me at the back of a Planet receipt. I didnt realize at first until my sis showed it to me :

"Jas, My love is deep enough. I feel better since we’ve been together. I’m very happy to be with u!. TGIFY."

& yesterday he said, "I xkejar die"…" I xbole lupakan dia"

bull!!

I hate the guy for giving in to temptation…(my love wasnt enough?)

I hate the girl for doing this to my life…(weh pompuan!ape dosa aku kat nkau selama nie?aku rasa aku xpenah intefere dgn idop nkau pon)

I hate myself for letting this happen…

To the guy : You once said you are MONOGAMOUS. So BE one!!

To the bitch : In a simple English, Good Luck! ooops I forgot, you cant really speak English…ooh I’m still typing in English..Sorry if you cant understand a word.Naah!!

A toast all around…..Cheerss!!!!

………..You……… broke my heart……

Today is the first day after 2 weeks that I managed to tune up the radio to work. I’ve been unable to even listen to songs from our networks..so much sappy love songs (hah!).. & guess what, the 1st tune that came up was from Natasha Beddingfield & it was at the chorus….& sumhow it gave me spirit for today!

UnWritten

I am unwritten, can’t read my mind, I’m undefined
I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can’t live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

I found this piece & it is very meaningful..it is not for me but still….

"Square pegs and round holes. This was the analogy that I used to explain to someone whom was hurting after her boyfriend (whom is a close friend) had left her.

I was trying to explain to her that the failure was not out of a lack of effort on her side - or his, for that matter. They had both given it their very best effort.

It’s just that at this particular juncture of their lives, they’re not suited to each other. There’s a severe maturity gap (although neither of them are very mature yet) which makes them a prickly combination, when together.

Understandably, the concept was difficult for her to grasp. A natural over-achiever, she greatly believed in herself and the ability to overcome anything, if you give it your best. It’s worked for her in her student life and her nascent career, so far. She seemed to have the idea that the only way to fail, is when you give up.

In some ways, in some areas of life - she’s right. But in matters of the heart - and in friendships too, as I’ve discovered lately - you have to know when it does not fit and when something is just plain wrong, staying together - regardless of how hard one side or both sides, try.

For something to work it has to feel right on both sides - and even if that is satisfied, it should follow certain norms of moral observance and societal engagement - like not messing about with a married man with children. Sometimes, there are many more important things than love - there’s respect and consideration that you don’t take the risk of damaging the lives of others, on a whim of passion.

In matters of the heart and friendship - you have to know when to quit your emotional investment, before you burn all your emotional reserves. You should only invest in things that have the potential of growth - antyhing that stagnates or depletes your reserves, is a loss-making investment.

And you have to understand the rule of square pegs and round holes. And to know when to cut your losses, because you know that you deserve better.

Lately, in my life - I’m starting to learn the concept of self-respect - that love for others, loved ones, friends and family - does not mean that you have to sell yourself short. And that a good investment in love - is when there is reciprocity in investment and mutual respect.

Maybe it doesn’t have to be in equal doses - but it must be in sufficient, equitable doses. You’ll always know inside, when you’re tolerating selfish creatures that only know how to use you and to demand things of you - without reciprocating anything, in return.

*********************************************

So, here comes the natural counter-argument: Opposites attract, right? So, how does one explain that?

Yes, opposites do attract. I’m sure we’ve seen our share of it - pretty girls to ugly guys, smart guys to bimbos, liberal city boys to traditional rural girls, boisterous noisy women to quiet unassuming men, etc.

There’s something about people who are different from us, that piques our curiousity, that arouses our interest - that attracts us like moths to flame.

Yes, opposites do attract - but they can only last with a common foundation and perspective on core issues. Sometimes, that common foundation is just there. Sometimes, it has to be fought out and drainingly developed over time.

And sometimes, when you get 2 people who are so diversely different or diamterically opposed (or equally headstrong, for that matter) - you never reach that common foundation - and it doesn’t last.

With people who are opposites, things can only last if you can learn to listen to one another’s voice, above the din of one’s own.

And when I say listen, I mean to hold back all pre-conceived notions and value judgement, until you understand what the other party is saying. It’s learning to empathize - to imagine for a while, if you were in the other person’s shoes with his circumstances and historical background.

And to have large reservoirs of forgiveness and the humility to apologize - for any wrong that you’ve done or even when you don’t feel that you’re in the wrong - for the hurt that has been caused - even if it’s not your fault.

These are not easy traits to pick up. 9 of out 10 people Ive met can’t do it - especially the smart ones - because they like the sound of their own voices, they’re convinced by the strength of their own preaching (even when they don’t walk it) and because they never admit or even momentarily allow themselves the space of self-doubt - hence, lacking the ability to give the benefit of the doubt, to others.

It requires you to be sensitive to the nature of others. It requires you to set aside your ego - and to put the other person, as the centrepiece of your focus, in understanding the issue. It requires you to temporarily suspend all fixed notions of right and wrong - and to see if there’s a new perspective that could be learnt here, for things to improve.

You can’t address what you don’t understand.

You can’t make things better when you’ve decided that the only thing that can remained unchanged, in a relationship conflict, is yourself. That it always has to be the other party caving in - or that when you do give in, that it’s a strategic bargaining move or tactical advantage to gain the upper hand in different aspects of the relationship.

To be a good lover and a good friend - you have to learn the art of giving and sacrificing.

Good relationships and friendships are grown on the altar of emotional investment, time, fun, sharing, nurturing, appreciation, constant adjustment, benefit of the doubt, forgiveness and most of all, an acceptance of the other person for who he or she is - without looking down at their values - or feel the need to feel superior to them, to feel good about oneself.

It’s not a matter of who wins or who is right - it’s a matter of putting the value of the relationship, above each individual party’s interest. It’s making the "we" matter more than "I".
"
Thx Stingrayz for allowing me to cut this piece from you….

The 3rd person in a span of 2 weeks, came n say to me last wednesday - "Jas, are u losing weight? Why? Ur clothes looks sooo loose. Putus cinta issit? (then continue abt her trying to lose weight)"- Carolina L*e (tanggapan sukahati)

"No, I’m trying to gain weight. Eh your shoes very nice leh…so sexy,got string summore.. new issit?" - me, & she took the bait & start talking abt her shoes.

The 2nd person - "Jas, u lost a lot of weight. I didnt notice until I walk behind you. eh, why ah, u ok onot?" - Adeline M*k (a concerned colleague)

The 1st person - "Eh what happen ah? why so skinny now ah? tak makan ke?" - lupe dah sape (also a concerned co-worker)

While having lunch on wednesday (or actually playing with the food only) -

"Bla bla bla….eh ko tau tak aku sakit perut…bla bla bla..dearrhia..bla bla bla…..Jas, bla bla bla….oi nape ko sengap je nie? asl takde pa pe ko ckp?, tu je ke ko mkn?" - Sal**

"Aku takde mende nak cite aku diam je laaa, dah.. makan la ko" - me

She was quiet for awhile n continue eating, suddenly in a small voice she said (w/out looking at my face) "tu la ko, aku nak kenalkan ko dgn org sume ko taknaak" - Sa*wa (she doesnt even know what’s happening at all, y did she say that?)

"Haa..nie pesal? Kami dah kate!kami dah kate!Degil!! bla bla bla…"- f.o ( padahal tak ckp pa pe pun, baru masuk ofis je.ok, probably coz mata bengkak)

" Jas, ko pesal nie? Asl tanak join aku mkn nie? Asl ko tak ceria cam selalu nie? Asl ko diam je nie? Ko ok tak nie?" - L*z (huh byk la plak soklan in 1 go)

Later that day she talked to f.o, "asl ngan Jas? aku xsuke la dia tu.. aku nak kenalkan die dgn kwn aku lah…tp kawan aku tu kampung sikit"

F.O - "ah! si *** nak kenalkan Jas dgn adik die pun Jas taknak, inikan pulak kwn kampung ko"

"hmmm…tak jadi lah" ( ishk…pesal ngan dorg nie? aku xckp pa pe pon lagi, cite nak match dgn adik sape tah tu dah lame daaa)

"Jas, walaupun aku tatau hujung pangkal cerita ko jadi macamnie, tp aku hope ko be strong ok. Life is too short to be sad" (yeah, life’s too short, like I dunno that, cld sumone pls tell that 1 person?)

Michelle (the infamous country finance mgr who sits beside me) - "Hi Jas, u ok?"

" Morning Michelle" - me, w/out looking at her coz I was bz dabbing my tears while reading one’s older sister email to me.

And today,while walking to my place, I have to pass few cubes, n suddenly from far, Dev looked at me & smile then said - "Hi Jas"

I smiled at him…my fullest, cutest (i want to believe so) smile actually

"You ok Jas?" - Dev, & I nodded. "You are so quiet lately.." (uiks..selama nie aku sgt bising ke dlm ofis sampai org kenotisan kediaman aku neh?)

apehal dorg nie sme ah? aku ok! aku ok,ok??????? aku juz takble tutup paip airmata aku je laaaaa, bukan ade ape pon! macam xbiase tgk org nanges..ok, maybe aku bukan jenis yg menangis but still….aku ok! Kali nie je…maybe gakle sbb cukup 7 tempayan nak buat hantaran utk Puteri Gunung Ledang.

All I need is my medication - 1 fat guy daily.

**********************************************************************

Dulu dah penah ade skinny guy, tp dosage xcukup sbb got cheated over n over again.

2nd skinny guy plak, 1st skinny guy pegi memaki hamun dan masih lagi mencheated aku.celaka.

3rd skinny guy suka main tarik tali.4th skinny guy ran away with my sister’s bestfriend.lagi celaka kan?tapi takpa…i dun really luv the guy pon.

got 1 fat guy who love me so much sampai la but he made me wait too long, sampai i got tired n decided to go for 1 skinny guy.

But the bastard also broke my heart n try to pretend nothing happen.Almost got married too.almost.

Then, when I wasnt looking, suddenly I met this 1 great fat guy with jokes that can make me laff n laff (like finally…) n fell in love head over heel.it stops there. the fat guy become skinny guy, rich & famous. it stops there too.

Just shoot me pls.I need my medication.

I had wanted to tell you guys abt my trip to Redang last wiken but dont feel like it today coz all i did there was babble all the great stuff abt him to my frens (when i think of it,prolly I dont even crossed his mind at all)…anyway, you can read abt the trip here though..I leave you guys with this song instead:

When a man loves a woman
Can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else
He’d trade the world
For a good thing he’s found
If she is bad, he can’t see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down

When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Trying to hold on to what he needs
He’d give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that’s the way
It ought to be

When a man loves a woman
I give you everything I got (yeah)
Trying to hold on
To your precious love
Baby please don’t treat me bad

When a man loves a woman
Deep down in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she is playing him for a fool
He’s the last one to know
Loving eyes can never see

Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
’cause baby, baby, baby
I am a man
When a man loves a woman

********************************************************

*********************************************************************************

I’ll be leaving this space soon I think, I’ll be sumwhere else, see if you can find me, otherwise msg me for the URL….

This morning I juz lost it. I lost it & I snapped. I cried & I screamed & I threw. & I cried & I cried. I lost control. I couldnt even stop myself.

And when I came to work this morning, I opened up an email from a friend, and it says:

If a girl cries in front of you, it means that she couldnt take it anymore.
If you take her hand, she would stay with you for the rest of your life;
If you let her go, she couldnt go back to being herself anymore.

A girl wont cry easily,
Except in front of the person who she love the most, she becomes weak.

A girl wont cry easily, only when she love you the most, she put down her ego.

Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of you, please hold her hands firmly,
she’s the one who would stay with you for the rest of your life.

Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of you, please dont give her up,
maybe bcoz of your decision, you ruin her life.

When she cry rite infront of you,
When she cry bcoz of you,
Look into her eyes,
Can u see n feel the pain n hurt she’s feeling?
Think.
Which other girl have cried wif pure sincerity, Infront of you,
And bcoz of you?

She cry not because she is weak,
She cry not bcoz she wants sympathy or pity,
She cry,
Because crying silently is no longer possible,
the pain,hurt,n agony have become too big a burden to be kept inside.

Guys,
Think about it,
If a girl cry her heart out 2 you,
And all because of you,
Its time to look back on wat u have done,
Only you will know the answer to it.

Do consider it,
Coz one day,
It may be too late for regrets,
It may be too late to say "im sorry".

To my friends…
Ponder this message seriously.
Dont do dis to a girl,
You may regret for the rest of your life.
Maybe in your life,
she’s the only one that love YOU the most.
Remember this lesson.

how ironic…..wld he know this?

as much as people say u are lucky to get him, dont ever forget there’s also people who say u are lucky to get her…

Shit!